02/07/2010 ~ Franks guide for Americans going to Europe

Hi my name is Frank and I'm a proud non-passport bearing American.

I have taken it upon myself to write this guide to Europe, a place I have never been to but know all about:

Denmark:
I would love to visit Denmark but I want to go to a place where I can draw cartoons of Mohammed in peace, not that I want to, just so I know I can!

France:
France is that big country in Europe whose asses we saved in World War II.

All you need to know before going to France is that there are really two France's, the nice country parts that still remain grateful for our gratitude in arms, and then there is Paris the steaming metropolis made up mostly of Parisians, or as they are more commonly known, unwashed cheesy liberal French pricks!

Germany:
[INSERT UNINFORMED STEREOTYPICAL NAZI JOKE HERE]

Holland:
Not even worth it for the Red Light District in Amsterdam, I've heard that even the lap dancers are critics of American foreign policy!

And don't get lulled over the fact they legalized marijuana, its not fun to smoke when its legal!
When I go into the woods to smoke it I get a thrill out of wondering how many spy satellites are watching me!

Ireland:
My ancestors came from Ireland hundreds of years ago.

It's probably not all that great if they emigrated!

Italy:
I can get Italian food from the Italian restaurant down the road served by an Italian chef.

What else am I missing, adolescence's who dress like its 1987 and a tower some pinheads couldn't even put up straight?

Macedonia:
Last time I checked, nobody I know gives a shit about Macedonia!

Norway:
I know little about Norway, and from what I can see it looks like a nice quaint little place to visit, but I just realized its probably full of Norwegian people!

They should really do something about that!

Russia:
Russians love America so much they all want to be spies so they can just come over here and live like I do.
So why the hell would I pay money to go over there?

Portugal:
Portugal is a country on the western coastline of the Atlantic bordering Spain.

That's about it really!

Spain:
If I want sun and a lot of foreign people I can just go to California!

Sweden:
If I wanted to visit some nation that continually prides itself on being neutral I might as well just visit Switzerland!

Switzerland:
If I wanted to visit some nation that continually prides itself on being neutral I might as well just visit Sweden!

United Kingdom:

England
A lot of people consider England the 51st state because of their devout support for us over the years, hmmmm an island US state...

...well as far as I'm concerned England can keep the shit weather, I can just go to Hawaii instead!

Scotland
Mel Gibson pretty much summed up Scotland and its people for me!

Wales
Welsh people and Wales don't matter!

Northern Ireland
If you can't decide whether to go to Britain or Ireland you can always just go to Northern Ireland.

Vatican City:
I don't give a shit about what country the Pope is visiting so why should I care where he lives?